How the 1st Day went?

Well, i had the worse nite last nite. The stupid FireWORKS and not firecrackers was blasting till almost 2am. 2 of my inconsiderate neighbours kept playing chain fireworks the whole bloodee nite. It finally stopped at around 2am. And I found out from my mom, a police patrol car did turn up hahaha. Server those buggers right!!!!

On top of it all, its Ash Wednesday and have to wake up by 6.30am to be in church by 7am for mass. As that's the only mass for Ash wednesday and the next one is for CNY mass which is 9am and the other Ash Wed mass is in the evening. I didn't have enough sleep, it really cheeses me off.

Came back from church I haven't sat down till now. Had to help mom with alot of things as relatives comes over on the first day and friends too......... well, I haven't had friends visiting me since the day I left school so it doesn't make much different :P

Stood the whole morning frying this sotong balls. Have to put it in egg yolk and then in the jacob cracker ( which I had to pound to find power like). Then fry.. all bloodee 4 packs ah.. dont' play-play. So now my feet is aching.

That's the first day of new year... what a start...

3 Significant Event today

Today symbolizes 3 main events. Firstly, its my dad's birthday. Secondly, its chinese new year eve and thirdly, its my sis-in-law 6 months death anivesary.

Today as its both CNY and my dad's birthday, we will be having the usual potluck at my uncle's place. Maternal side. We have stopped going to our paternal side after my step grandmother decided that she is too unwell to be visited by us and she rather spend it with HER daughters. Anyways, doesn't affect my life :) . My grandfather passed away the final year of my university abroad so i never did get a chance to attend his funeral that was abouot 9 years ago now. But I remember offerring a mass for him and I did speak to the Priest at the Catholic Student Center.

CNY doesn't really have much impact in my life these days esp after I grew up in a sense. I used to look forward to CNY but these days , I only look forward to it becoz its public holiday and we get two of it.

this year, I only got 1 pair of new outfit, but its work attire. Sigh.... didn't really find anything nice and furthermore. .imagine everyone will be wearing the same old stuff... that's the bad part about commerialized goods.

Anyways.. may this year bring us alot of prosperity and good luck and good health.
And may this year be the year I find the mission in my life.

GoD Bless.

Chic Lit

Yesterday I was at the mall, I went to the bookshop.
If you have read odissi's blog before she posted about this book Elegance by Kathleen Tessaro. I wanted to get that book. I walked around the fiction section and I couldn't locate it. Then walked sommore and bingo! i saw the book. Guess what beside the book there was this shelf label sticking out that states : CHIC LIT.

Never knew such category existed. HAHAHA. Ringgit was there too and he was surprised there is such a thing called Chic Lit.

something new to add to your vocabulary.......

Food for Thought

Recently, I have had alot of thoughts that I felt i should blog down. But due to some reason, not being able to get online everyday, I was not able to. As you all know, sometimes you have these great thoughts and wished that you could pen it down immediately. Coz you're afraid you might just forget it... thats what happened to me.

I leave for work pretty early in the morning and when i reach home its almost dark. I was in a traffic queue after work today and this car infront of me had this bumper sticker which read

There are No Great Things. Only Simple things with Great love

Isn't that a beautiful phrase? I guess you don't need to do great things in life, just do things with love. Then again, I hate working life so how can i do it with love hehehe. Go figure!

Then just a few days ago, I was driving to work and it was still pitch dark - around 710am and i was at the traffice lights and I turn to my left and saw this words as part of the billboard. I couldn't read the first part but only the tail end part of it and it read "Hidup ini mesti ceria"
Interesting huh? Did you guess what ad it was for? Well, Cabdury Chocolate!!!!! :) Isn't that cool?? I am sure you guys have driven pass this billboard many times but yet didn't really see it.

Okie I have to make my hidup more ceria.

I have to admit, the missing link is still missing in my life. Yesterday, I went to alpha and had a chance to speak to Lynda, the lady who intro me to Alpha. I mentioned to her that recently I feel very distant frm God. She asked me " You feel like there is a missing link?" I said yes exactly that. She said its good that you recognize that, pray that God will open your eyes and ears and heart. Ask him to help you cross that link to be closer to Him. Now that's a mission!!!!

Just a little update on Bonnie M, I guess I only have to tolerate him for another month before we move floors. Well I am gonna be positive that I won't be placed near him. Please Lord, please help me. Or else I might just go insane.....

Reading Materials

Does what you read, show what sort of person you are? Maybe you can tell me whether there is any correlation btwn the two?

I have to say that my reading behavior tend to skew more to the romance sort of category. Hey!, What can I say, I am die hard romantic. I dream too much ,I think. So these books sort of give me the lead to dream and fantasize. Well its not like i don't read other types of books but majority of what I read tend to fall into this category, though.

Anyways, since its a new year and all, I told myself that I would like to make it point to stay away from these "romance" sorta books. But alas, its not working well so far. Well, I try to borrow books from those book rental shops. I usually go to the one in Bangsar, its kinda small and crammed up but the good part is if you want a book and its not in the shelfs and its out with some other customers, they will call you once the book gets checked in. Pretty good aye?

Ok, i went there this month, returned the Da Vincci Code by Dan Brown. You should see how, as soon as I returned the book walked away from the counter, the lady picks up the phone and start dialing. Then I heard her say, ".... the book you wanted Da Vincci Code is in.. when can you come by to pick up?" WA LAU EH.. talk about being efficient.

Like I said before, I wanted a new start in this new year. Maybe a new reading habit would do me good. But a drastic change would probably put me into a serious withdrawal state. So I decided, fine, I would borrow 2 books, one romance and the other... some other sort. Okie, I had no choice but to get the shop assistant to help me out. So she recommended this book called.. The avenger or something like that.. haha. That shows I haven't read it yet. But I have finished the romance one already like 2 days after I borrowed it.

Then yesterday, I was at SJ, waiting for a friend to show up dinner. Since I finish work at 4pm on fridays, I got there earlier. I need to kill time, so i went to this readers corner.. Talk about wanting to escape the "romance" category of books. You can't, its everywhere... aisles and aisles of it. As fate has it, I had to give in to temptation. I borrowed 2 instead of 1. hehehe.

Anyhow, I will be stronger the next time I return the books :) but at least I still have The Avenger one to read , rito? I, at least made the effort. WAHAHAHAHA.

Obesity

Recently, I have been looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, I really need to do something about all these love handles. Sometimes when I walk I feel like my tighs are rubbing together. That really scares me mannnnnnnnnnnn........... I dont' want to be fat!!!! Seriously, I have nothing against people are on the heavier side but I feel its to difficult to be in that category at times. Don't you think so?

Have you observed how tired they are even when they take a short walk. Every step seems like a torture. Even sitting and getting up.

I am not skinny and I only can recall that during my primary and secondary school i was on the slim slide. This was becoz I used to be active in sports - netball ( playing center, had to run alot), badminton, Sprinting - 100 and 200 meters. Those were my sports. But years are catching up with me, I hardly even walk much these days, maybe in the shopping mall and from the car park to my office.

This is really worrying as I DO NOT want to be in the obese category. I mean I have a pouch and sometimes when I sit for long periods, it gets a bit uncomfortable - like when the waistband on your pants just cuts to your flesh? Maybe not cut, but you know what I mean.

I need to seriously do something about it. Since quitting gym about 1 year ago... sigh.. I haven't found something focus my energy on.

Bottom line is I better do something about this before its too late. Esp with age catching up, its even harder to lose that love handles.

Thinking

Lately, I have been thinking about alot of things. Just last nite, I had a dream about friends from secondary school whom I have not even seen in a long long time. Its weird. Totally weird and I can even remember their faces in my dream. I wake up at wee hours of the morning when my body tells me that its not ready to move nor been awaken yet.

I am the sort of person that hardly have a good night sleep these days. My facial lady also told me that my complexion is getting worse and the dark ring around the eyes never seem to go away. Mind you, I have been going to this lady for the past 8 years. Long time huh.

I thought back about why I can't seem to sleep. I think its slightly better than before, the months when I was working at that place eventhough it was only for 3 months. Every night I hardly slept. I remember clutching my rosary at night and praying and asking God to take this away from me esp my fear - the fear of facing another day. Since that time, I think I am slightly better but not totally.

a little out of the topic...............
I remember a person once told me there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. People who are alone - usually choose to be alone. They enjoy the company of the so call alone-ness. Loneliness on the other hand comes mainly from the inside. Its like something really hollow within you. Its like a void inside of you. Dark and quiet. Thats how I feel it sometimes.

But to be frank, I am alone most of the time. I can say that sometimes I enjoy being alone. I dine alone at times even for dinner. Well actually its more than " at times". Its quite often. I dont' care that people stare me or whatever. I am okay with it. But sometimes when the feeling of loneliness engulfs me, I really wished I have company then.

Wouldn't it be great to have someone beside you, walking with you through this journey of life? A journey that seem so long sometimes and filled with trials and turbulence. Tough.

i know I think alot but frankly, my mind just can't cease from thinking. Every waking moment, its working. And not only waking moment , even when I am asleep too. Sigh.

Mysterious Ways

2 Tuesdays ago, I was not feeling well hence I skipped Alpha. Also since I live so far away, I was really really tired almost everyday when I drive back. Also its those days when you tend to think too much and just don't feel like doing the stuff you're doing anymore.

Well, being sick and all, I was also pondering about how tired I am most of the days, so I decided that I will just buy the Alpha DVD and then just do it on my own. For me thats the portion that's really interest me and of course the books I buy.

Then on this monday, I called the number that the lady gave me, but but but the voice on the other end said that the number is no longer valid. Service has ended. Oh goodness.... why did that lady give me a phone number which is no longer valid.

So having no choice, I went for alpha the next day. The first thing I did was to approach the lady and asked her about the phone no. She said oh, we just moved out this week. I was like DANG!

Then thinking further, I thought maybe its all part of God's plan, He doesn't want me to stop going for Alpha so he decided upon this. I bought the DVD anyways. Then during the sharing session after the video session, I shared with my group this.. and I said call it what you want, but don't you think it was a SIGN!!!!

Mysterious huh.......................

Anyways, lately I haven't been feeling really good. About alot of things. This week is kinda bad. I have even decided to talk very much less to my room mate at work which happens to Bonnie M who adds to my misery. So if you're reading this, keep me in your prayers................

American Idol New season

After I took Clarinase last nite, I couldn't sleep. All of a sudden, I just felt so fresh haahhaa.
Maybe becoz my nose started to clear.

I was watching tv and it happened to be American Idol New Season- Audition 2. I was thinking when I was watching, these americans are really brave to make a fool out of themselves. Some of them were so over confident hahaha. But they really really couldn't sing mannnnnnnnnnn....

The thought was running thru my head, I can't imagine being the judge. Maybe now I understand why Simon is so cranky and sarcastic most of the time. Just put yourselves in their shoes, imagine having to put yourself thru those excruciating moments. You can't laugh esp when you're face to face with the contestants... heheh eventhough you're dying to. Your face is about to burst trying to contain the laughter...

Even myself as a viewer at home was laughing like crazy.. hahahaa...

See... that is why I never want to put myself thru that if I did, i think i can never ever get over it.. hahahaha...

Yeah that is why up to today, I am still a kuci muci rat..... at the bottom of the corporate ladder.

The Flu Bug

Alrighty, Its Sat nite, here I am sitting donating my blood to the mosquitoes and nursing this flu. This morning, I was perfectly fine. All of a sudden, after my shower this evening, I started to sneeze and now my nose is pretty much stuffed up.

Tonight is going to be hell. Its bad enough that I have sensitive nose which have me breathing thru my mouth most of the nites since its pretty much not functioning properly as its suppose to be. Eg one side blocked while the other side is barely operable. Get my drift.

Well I have to be really really careful when i get flu. I don't wnat what happened in year 2003 to happen again. 1o days of blinking MC becos of a flu turned sinus infection which almost caused me to have a surgery. Thank God the E&T specialist was good enough and his medication healed me in 3 days.....

What can I say, I pretty much have nothing to do - like most nites. So i decided to write some crap in this blog of mine.

I really do admire those people including G&G who takes time to really beautify their blogs with pictures and custome made templates heehehe.

Maybe maybe just maybe when I am just not me, I might just do that. :)

Tomorrow is sunday, a day which most working adult hates. But what can I say, I need the dough to get going in this world, unless I have already made up my mind about leaving the material world.

Well, there's always still tomorrow to brood....

Given in to Temptation

Sigh.... It won in the end. My will was not strong enough to prevent it from happening.

I told ringgit before that I saw this pair of boots that coz quite a hefty some of money and I was thinking very hard on whether i should buy it. I think its not been more than 1 month. Today I went to the store at KLCC and the shoe is gone!!! Sold out... they only have brown color but I dont' want that color.. its difficult to match. I want black....

So that really made me make up my mind. So I decided to drive all the way to 1 U coz I know I saw it there also. I went there , straight to the store, very focus wor. And I purchased the black color one in size 7. Eventhough the left side of the shoe - not so smooth lah the leather.. but what to do........................................... I didn't want to have sleepless nites about it hehehee.

Really Siow. Next month, eat bread and drink water only. Got to save liao...

Or else there goes my dream of going to Rome......................

The Traffic Cops

I work in the heart of the City. Sometimes, its good, coz its feels like you're so much part of the cosmopolitan world then again sometimes it just gets to your nerves esp the traffic.

For the past few days, the traffic has been horrendous. I leave home at 6.40am in the morning, sometimes 5 minutes late will cause alot of difference. For the past few days I arrived at the office like 5 min to 8am. I start work at 8am. So i have to quickly go to the cafetaria at 6th floor to eat.... and the food is pricey and sucky :(.

To go home too, it takes like almost an hour to get out of the city area. Beh tahan! worse thing is there are cops at the traffic lights but not manning traffic but busy summoning people. Sigh. With that when they stop the cars, its already blocking off 1 lane. Left with the two lanes and to top that up , its knock off hours traffic. Can you imagine how bad that is....

Gosh i drive automatic car but my knee still hurts like crap.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ranch Dressing

I love Ranch dressing. What is it? Dressing that you put on your salad!!!! :P
Well, i don't care what people say about ranch dressing - its fatting, its too rich. Whatever, its still my favourite dressing.

You can hardly find Ranch Dressing here in Malaysia. The more popular ones are Thousand Island, French dressing blablablaa. Anyways, I found it here at TMC but it cost bloodeee 22 ringgit. ain't worth it man.............

The last ones I had were purchased by friends for me from singapore and USA. Both cheap cheap in those countries leh..... But here gosh... i don't think I can swallow 22 ringgit ranch dressing.

How depressing..................

Remembering Her.....

For the past few days, I have been thinking about her. When I do, tears just welled up in my eyes. Even when I am driving , sometimes the thought of her just shows up in my mind. Its been like that off and on since 8th September 2004.

Its been 3+ months since Sarah departed from us. Sometimes just thinking about her, I can see her smile, I remember her walk, her laughter, her eyes. I see her the image of her when she was healthy and also the image of when she was really really ill. Almost unrecognizable and even her daugther said she looked like an alien. That was how bad the disease was eating her up.

Even now writing this, my tears cannot stop flowing. I wonder really, it has been so hard for me to even think about her without crying, I wonder how is it like for my brother and the children? My brother is probably sufferring in silence.

Recently, Anthony heard the song coco mo ( i dont' know whats the exact title of the song), the one that goes, "theres a place call coco mo, and there's where I wanna go....." was playing on the radio and he quickly ran to my mom telling her " That's my mummy's favourite song" and then he said, I miss my mummy. My mom asked him, Do you miss ah ma? He said, I see ah ma everyday how I can miss ah ma. So he understands the meaning of missing. Missing someone who will never be back to hold him , to cuddle him.

I hope my memories of her will always stay fresh in my mind. Even in years to come, i want the memories to remain fresh in my mind..... I dont' want it to fade.

I hate it when people say, Life goes on, move on with life... Yes thats true. But if they never really went thru it how would they know. Yes you move on with life, but it will always be part of you, you think back, you miss the moments. You miss that person who has been part of your family, part of your every life and now no longer be able to share it with you.

Eventhough we are not blood related but still.. there is a tie.
I cannot imagine one day when its time for my parents to depart this world, what state would I be in then.

I miss her. I wish I could bring back the times and let her know that I care..... I think she knows in a way, coz I had visions of her from the time her body was brought back to the house till the day she was burried. On the morning of the funeral, I saw a vision of her waving to me with Jesus standing at the back. I know she is with Jesus.

I miss you , Sarah.
Keep watching us from above. Keep the children safe and Koko safe too...

Feeling Left Behind

This morning, I had the wedding mass to attend. All the way, to Holy Rosary Church in Brickfields. Anyways, I feel so left behind , each time I attend a wedding. One by one friends I knew from Choice is getting married. I feel so SAD :(

Seeing some of them already becoming mummy it just reminded me of the time when I attended their wedding, didn't seem like so long ago.

I hate it.. I hate it.. I hate the feeling!!!!!

I watched Bridget Jones Diary - the part II. At the end she will get married too and she mentioned that at 33 there is still hope in finding happiness.!!!!! Please let that be true!

The Leisure Ladies

Today marks the last day of my training. Its also Friday. As I sat at the coffee shop, eating my nasi lemak and drinking my hot milo, I was observing the people around.

Right infront of me were 4 ladies, i would say they are much older than me. Than again, I might not know, they might look older but they might actually be younger :P. Anyways, I have always enjoyed " naturalist observation". There were dressed in workout outfits. Some rich poh poh must be. Anyways, they were sitting down chatting but I could hear that their conversation only goes around money. How much is this lah is that lah. blablba... And one lady showing off what she bought. And this is just 8.30am!?!?!? when I am still thinking what heck the meaning of life is to me. What the heck works means to me. Mama mia...

I feel jealous, i wish I can be a lady of leisure too. No need to worry, just go about with my daily life , doing things that I like and of course enjoy yet there is no need to worry about money troubles. Wouldn't that be a bliss..

Today ends the training session. I have to say, eventhough the training was too advanced for me but at least the instructor was not bad looking hahahaa..

but I feel darn tired.

The Ugly side of our society

So there, Tsunami has already happened. Everywhere till today, the news is still focusing on the after math of the event. Organizations are still collecting money and such.
We hear about all these generous malaysians - donating money and also used clothes.

Hmmm... so generous rite until they actually donate old underwear, false teeth... Whats up with that man. Electrical appliances that don't work no more is being donated, or faulty ones that almost took someone's life. That is really shallow man. They think of this donating thingy as their dumping ground. So sad to say these are my fellow countrymen. Almost embarassed to even say it or to be afiliated with them.

As I have been away for training this week i found another ugly side of these so called professionals. As we all know, everyone likes it when we can actually claim our mileages when we go training and such or meals what so ever. But i can't believe it how people actually react to these so called freebies.

We are not even sure yet whehter this can be claimed as we are receiving different information from long time employees whom are also in the training. But some really kiasu ppl already like spend like as though they can claim. Worse thing is this indian guy well actually he is the male bonnie I was talking about in my previous blogs. Anyways, after he and this other malay guy found out can claim for lunch also ( we are just assuming that the information given is true), they bought 2 burgers for lunch and ate like pigs. I am just thinking Bonnie M doesn't even eat lunch sometimes coz he wants to save money. But when people offer him food or anything he will grab and grab.

This is not the first time I have seen this behaviour in Bonnie M. Even when we went for orientation, he tah pow the food back. My Goodness.. I am sure the company pays him reasonable pay. I think this is just a northern thingy. People from north very kiam siap. Anyways...... i am so shy to be seen with people like that. Really behave like uneducated people lah.

I hate this ugly side of asians.... why do we need to be like that.. Why do we need to be behave really like second class people and just affirms what the westerners think about us?!?!?!

What is Alpha

Alrighty, since I wrote about Alpha, some has asked me what it is? :)
So jackey, here is what the brochure wrote :). I will attempt to add value to what is said in the brochure but then again I am new too to this program.

Okie dokie, I will cut and paste the information i got. At least that's the formal one, heheh.

What is Alpha?
The Alpha Course is an 11 week practical introduction to the Christian faith. It is relaxed, non-threatening, thought-provoking, friendly and fun. Listen, learn, discuss and discover. Ask anything. Alpha is a place where no question is regarded as too simple or too hostile.

Who is Alpha for?
Alpha is for everyone, especially
those who want to find out more about Christianity
new Christians
those who want to brush up on the basics
those who want to be more effective in sharing their Christian faith

What is involved?
The Alpha Course consists of a series of fourteen video talks by Nicky Gumbel (see schedule at the back). After each talk, participants are divided into small groups for a time of discussion and interaction. A meal and refreshments will be served at each session.

What will it cost?
There is no charge for Alpha although freewill contributions are welcome.


So you ask, why then does mystic_grey needs to go. She is already a christian. Let me share with you why I was interested in this program. What caught my eye.

There are a few topics which are discussed in Alpha program and during the introductory program... it was mentioned... Everyone has Questions about life!!!! YUP YUP YUP thats me.... blinking like a bright bulb.

And one of the topics listed was "How Can I make the most of the rest of my life?"

Yes thats what i want to know! I have mentioned to friends before that I feel like my life is meaningless. Last year was the worse year of my life. The year where I even considered ending my life. Ironically that was also the year that I felt God presence so close to me like I never felt before. I have been questioning about life for a long time and my purpose here.

Couple of years ago, I was so adamant to find out more about what does it mean for me being a christian; not only as a Christian but also as a Catholic. Maybe its good that I give a bit of background of how I became a Christian.

My mom has always been a catholic. Her whole life, all her sibillings up to her grandmother; my great grandmother. When mom married dad (who is by the way, a free thinker and still is), she didn't go regularly to church anymore. But we have always been taught about her faith. About how to say our father, hail marys , about st.anne's feast and such. When I was in standard 4 , I decided to go to sunday school - following one of my friends. My mom wasn't too happy about the idea as she thought that now, the priest and all will come after her for not sending us for sunday school. It was the one and only one sunday school class i attended.

Then I guess God opened up her heart, when I was in secondary school, I went to learn with a sister at the convent school together with my elder brother and my sister. My younger brother, was the only special person :) well he went to sunday school, baptised when he was young. Even before that day, I went regularly to church. I found my belief.

I was asked once during my philosophy class by the professor : you're a christian, how do you know there's a God! You haven't seen God before. I remembered clearly the answer I gave him. I said, yes I haven't seen God but its like the air, do you see it? you don't right? yet you know its there, you know of its existence. That's how God is. You just know and its faith.

DEEEP huh!!! i remember that till today.

Back to the story, its not easy being a catholic nor a christian, every step of the way, you're scrutinized. People watch you closely - to point out the mistakes that you do and always the infamous phrase " But you're a Christian" yea I am a christian but I am also human. Everyday I strive to be good christian. Also being a catholic who was baptised only when I was a teenager, you get fellow catholics asking you " ooooohhh so you're not a cradle catholic" whatever that means... so who's born a catholic :P At least I had the chance to choose my faith and a faith I know I would follow throughout my life.

My journey as a Christian has its ups and downs. Some days I am just way high up there spiritually, some times I am just down to the pits. Couple of years ago, I decided, I want to be involve in the church, to know the community that I am part of. So it began - a journey of search. That year, I took the discipleship class, tough tough... read the bible, do home work, attend weekly classes. then after that I took the sign language class with the hearing impaired ministry. Still search for which ministry God wants me to serve. On top of that, I also went for Choice. Choice is another story :) but its the ministry for single adults. A ministry where I served for 3 years.... and then recently decided to find something else... I am still searching for the ministry God wants me to serve.

See even as a baptised Catholic, I still search for answers. Therefore alpha I believe will unearth things I never knew before or knew but never put it into the right place.

I am not perfect nor am I all knowing about my faith. I am not ashame to say this as I believe - Any sort of knowledge will help me grow closer too God.

This Alpha program is actually a Protestan program but now its reached the shores of the catholic church and its all about faith not about whether you're catholic , protestan or .... other denomination. Jesus is for everyone.

Nicky Gumble is the person who pioneered the Alpha program. He wasn't a christian before but now he is and pastor whats more. The things he says truely makes sense.

In one of the books - Why Jesus? he wrote this.

Christianity is first and foremost about relationships rather than rules. It is about a person more than a philosophy. Its about the most important relationship of all : our relationship with God who made us. .........

Why do we need HIM?

You and I were created to live in a relationsip with God. Until we find that relationship there will always be something missing in our lives. As a result, we are often aware of a gap. One rock singer described it by saying: " I 've got an emptiness deep inside"........... People try to fill this emptiness in various ways. Some try to close the gap with money, but that does not satisfy... Others try drugs or excess alcohol or secual promiscuity..... ................. Nothing will fill this gap excet the relationship with God for which we were made....

So do you think its true? I think thats so rite. I feel that emptiness inside me eventhough I know God. maybe I dont' know God deep enough. Maybe I dont' trust enough. Or maybe my relationship with HIM isn't deep enough. Yes, that's my goal to build a closer relationship with HIM.

Like I told a friend before, I want to do something where by the end of the day, I feel that I have done a good job , helped someone, changed someone's life or even to have the slightest impact in another person's life. Wouldn't life be worth living then?

Prayer of Abandonment

Today in the church bulletin this was in it...

PRAYER OF ABANDONMENT

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;

do with me what you will.

Whatever you may do, I thank you: I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures

- I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;

I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,

for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,

to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,

and with boundless confidence,

for you are my Father.

- Charles de Foucauld.

I have no idea who Charles de Foucauld is but this prayer is really meaningful. I need to say this more often as to surrender myself to God so that I will be able to hear HIM speak to me regarding this will.

I truely admire people who can write such beautiful prayers. I only speak to God directly as I am not fanciful with my words.... maybe one day I will be able to write such beautiful prayer and dedicate it to my Lord.

Fr. G's last sermon at our parish

As usual, at 6.30am I woke up to attend mass at 7.30am. You must be wondering why so early.. Coz i need to leave my house by 7am inorder for my granny who is over 80 years old to get a seat at the front pew.

For years I have been attending church at this hour. During my years as a church goer, I have to admit there were times where I tried to sneak a few winks, or sometimes trying to hide behind the person in the front pew so that the priest who is standing at the altar upfront dont' catch me sleeping or rather napping!?!?

But of course, the years where I was away from home; studying in the US, I went to church at a much later time. Not becoz i couldn't wake up but their mass times are much later. Well, I could choose not to go church rite? Away from parents and such but I WANTED to go. As there's the only place I can draw strength from God and feel renewed to start another week on this earthly place.

But in the recent years, God has been good, He sent us really dynamic and those really really charasmatic priest. FR. G is one of them. He has been with us almost 4 years now. He was previously based in penang at the college general (well this college is for upcoming priest) as a lecturer. I bet he is a good one. He knows the bible so well and his interpretation is fantabulous. I will that. Over these 4 years, I have enjoyed his every sermon. Further to that, Fr. G sings really well too. He has a deep voice.... He sings during the consecration and also during the times where the mass ended and he is giving his blessings.

I will miss Fr. G. But Fr. G is someone who is huge. When I say huge i mean in size too ah! Meaning he is tall and big. He can be quite intimidating. He has proud streak in him too. But I want to look beyond that. I haven't had the chance to sit and talk to him. But I hope one day God will send a priest to the parish whom I can talk to. I would like to talk to him then about what are my options in serving God. Not in terms of joining the convent but in terms of probably doing missionary work.

I will miss Fr. G's sermons.... but God has other plans for him rite? Moving him back to be a full time lecturer at College General once more.

I have a friend who left for Kenya to do missionary work. She quit her job and just like that she is going to kenya. I met her during my discipleship class which took one whole year to complete. That was a class i never thought i could be so dedicated. But am proud to say I graduated with only missing 2 classes. That was about more than 2 years ago!!! Wow how time flies aye.?

So now I am embarking on Alpha Program. But alpha is abit different. Will talk more about alpha in another log..........

That's my thought on this sunday morning... am gonna go take a nap now.

All That Is Material!

I , mystic_grey was not born with a silver spoon stuck in her mouth! I was born into a family who's dad works really hard while mom stays home to care for the children. Mom was not allowed to work after she married my dad, coz my dad believes the children needs her. Being the second youngest in the family, I usually have to wear hand me downs from both my elder sister and elder brother. Be it t-shirts, jeans or whatever. I occasionally get my own new clothing.

I would say that I am not a person who go for a certain brand or expensive stuff just becoz its CK, Guess or whatever not! At one point in my life, I never stepped foot in these shops coz in my mind, I always had this voice saying that I cannot afford it. But as years go by, I managed to gather courage and walk to these shops. There are things that I can certainly afford but some things are just totally over priced. But sometimes you see something you really like. For me, I will probably think about it a thousand times before I buy.... But if I saw something really unique and i know that going back to the shop would only mean it won't be there anymore - I would probably buy it there and then.

So mystic_grey is one person who goes for things that she likes. For example, if she sees something she likes at pasar pagi, she would buy, she doesn't care if its from pasar pagi or if its cheap as long as its presentable and wearable - who give two hoots. So I have a mixture of things but for shoes, I am willing to spend but so far have not spend on anything beyond 200 though.

See I have friends who still think that if its not branded , its of low quality. I still remember how they used to give me the look (those look where they raise their noses and look at your funny, hahaha) when they say, hey nice pants - where did you get it from. I will say, eh my mom bought it at pasar pagi. They will go like.. FOR REAL! Yes, its for real, ding dong.

At this new work place too, there is this gal she would save save to buy branded things. So she told a colleague. She rather have branded things which last longer than those normal cheap things.. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. she went like mystic, dont' you agree. I just smiled. Okie why did I do that? Coz firstly, its just my first month there. Secondly, its none of my blinking business to tell her.. Its her bloodeee money! :P

If you know me, i am a simple person. I love living in my jeans. And If I can just dress in my jeans and Ts everyday, I would be in a very blissful state. I am also not that sort of person who spends hours and hours in the bathroom? What do they do there? Scraping something off their skin? Skin Renewal in the bathroom?

Anyways, its just me the simple living small town gal......................

Much Ado About Bonnies

Alrighty!!!!! Bonnie bonnie....

Just 2 days ago, I received an email from an ex-col. She mentioned that my bonnie at the previous co. The lady bonnie, has tendered her resignation. Not bad aye, managed to get a new job eventhough she has a sucky attitude hahaha. I bet this was a real hit in the face for the big boss which evidently was my ex-boss. Bonnie used to report to me and i have to say man... she is one hand full. But at least she found her way out from the shit hole that is really covering her up and suffocating her. Alot of people dislike her but ironically, they always look for her to get a job done for them. Very bad!!!

Anyways, reading this new male bonnie at work.. hmm.. he is another story altogether. Okie this bonnie dont' report to me lah. We are the same level. As after being a snr. manager for 3 months I decided that that's not the path I am ready for. So I settled for this job as just a kuli hehehehe... Anyways, this male bonnie, is really liked by my female boss. The weird thing is Bonnie M always disappear during working hours. Mind you - he goes missing for a long period of time. Like yesterday, he went for lunch at 11.30am. Then I didn't see his face until 3pm and then at 4pm he went back. Right on time... Can you believe it. And he says he got so much work. Aiyah Keling yan.

Anyways, that's none of my business but yesterday, the secretary was looking for us meaning all 3 people who sits in the tiny pigeon hole. I was in the lab since i came back from lunch at 1.30pm but I locked the room as things get missing and noting that the other two was not back from lunch , i didn't want to take the risk of having something stolen from the room.

So you see... the secretary was checking on us. She eventually found me in the lab but she didn't say no nothing to me... FISHY!!!!!!

Anyways, boss was back yesterday after a more than 2 weeks vacation..... maybe she is the spy for the boss....

But what is mind boggling is how can bonnie M escape the attention? MIA for 1 hour is understandable but for HOURS? Thats nuts.

Anyways, Bonnie M will be flying either to UK or US for Work transfer program. SEE BE a CHEAT , BE EVIL, you will always get compensated in this WORLD :P

Blogging

Blogging - It was never a thing that I thought I would actually do. I have been reading about blogging for awhile. But never really was interested in doing it.

Then sometime during mid last year while I was going thru frustrations in life, ringgit introduced me to blogging. He said just blog your feelings - be it anger or whatever. So it started from then.

I have a few favorite blogs which i read on a regular basis. My friend in Sydney introduced me to a blog which was written by a malay datin. It was very interesting blog. Alot of people read her blogs and alot of comments too. She eventually stopped writing as people started to send her nasty comments. I mean she writes about true things like how her step daughther a mere teenager already engaged in sexual activities and such.. she was very truthful and for that she was crucified. She stopped writing now. Actually she stopped writing since september last year. I kinda miss her blogs. I used to wait eagerly for her next update.

It was also from datin's blog that I chance into odissi's blog. I still remember the first time I told ringgit about the blog and I mentioned that odissi writes really really well. And I kena hantam from ringgit. Ringgit said that of course she writes well, she is a journalist. Of course I know DUH. I was admiring how well she writes and i am sure everyone wish that they can write that well too. Reading ringgit's blog I realized that he too reads her blog these days hahaha. Addictive aye?

Anyways... blogging is part of my life now but of course at times I also go thru the phase where I don't feel like blogging. The days where I feel really low and like ringgit always says.. dont' pass your negativy to others.. :( Maybe all I need is a listening ear but not really to get symphaty.

With No Car is like you're Feet has been amputated

Okie, I am sufferring the syndrom of not having the convenience of a car. Since, my car is in the hospital, I had to play on people's sympathy to loan me their car. Last week, I drove my younger bro's car to work since he was on leave. Since he is working, i can't parasite on him no more. Thought of talking the long train ride really make me so sien that I didnt' feel like going to work.

So my good old dad decided to loan me his car. Okie he drives a big car and it drinks fuel like water.... Chia lat leh. But i can't complain or else I will have to end up taking the train. But of course this "fantastic" arrangement will only last for a few days. I will end up taking the train to work on wed onwards unless my good dad decides he pities his little girl(hahaha) and allows her to carry on driving his car.

Tomorrow, I have no choice but to drive as its the beginning of my alpha class. Sigh... no car is like no legs lah. Really i don't really like to drive other people's car coz theres this pressure of having to be extra careful.

Anyways, alpah class will be good for me...... hopefully it will bring even closer to God.

My New Year's Day

The new year has begun. And how did I spend it? Well, woke up at 8.30am. Left home at 9.25 to catch a train(commuter) to PJ. Was suppose to met up with friends for a gift exchange session and also to watch The Phantom of the Opera.

I was surprised at 9.35 when i board the train, I still managed to get a seat. Maybe this is becoz i live quite far away - the station I am at is quite far away from KL. Anyways.. once we reached some of the places where there are more of those "pow tao" people, the train was jammed packed. The worse was when we reached S.A. Totally totally mind boggling - so many of them...

These people really dungu case. They stand so close to the door. When I was about to reach my station to alight. I step forward and said excuse me but none moved so I have to push my way thru and the "pow tao" gals immediately said.. aduih aduih.. ouch ouch. In my heart i was like then move your bloodee big arses so I can move.!!!!!

anyways, The Phantom of the Opera was worth watching. The actors are both good looking. The song is good too. Surprising , I just found out the guy who acted as the Phantom was actually the same actor from Tomb Raider. Wow what make up can do to your face. But their voices were great!!!!!

The day ended with my friend who is kind enough to drive me back from PJ to home..... long way mind you. But it was a great day....

Next on the agenda is playing board games- cluedo and pictionary at one of the gals house. Probably some time next week.

The Good Old Days.

Recently, my mind seems to drift back to the old days. When I say the old days its not that I am THAT old, just that it floats back to the time when I was still young. Sometimes I even see the images of me back then. Thats the power of mind. That is also another reason why, when I first have the visions i was afraid to tell as I didn't know if it was a figment of my imagination or was it real. I did ask God and I had this naggin answer at the back of my head - " Believe" Scary huh.

Back to the old times. When I was younger, there was no MC D at my home place. That is when i was stil in primary school. Back then I wore braces since standard 4. We then usesd to travel to SS2 - the orthodontist (spelling maybe off but too lazy to go check). After each session, I really really couldn't eat for days... Its horrible and your teeth feels so like sour. You get my drift. I hated these trips. But my mom, my good old mom, will usually take me shopping after that, she will take me to buy those pork floss and "bak kuah" and then to the book stores.. blablabla. I know my mom is not rich. In my family only my dad works and there is 4 of us. My dad doesnt' give my mom that much money hence the money is mostly saved by cutting corners when she shops for the house or when she goes marketing.

Since we didn't have Mc D in where i lived, which is a totally different place from the PJ area, the times when I could actually bite, she would take me there. Sometimes during the school holidays, she will take us all there, my brothers and my sister too. when she takes out the cash to pay, its pains my heart as I know with that she would need to cut corners for awhile.

Now adays, we eat mc D like nothing, even up to the point of jelak. Imagine... That's life isn't it. When we can afford things, we don't really cherish it anymore.

My dad would never do that for us. I am not saying that my dad is a bad person. Its just that his way of thinking and upbringing is different. I would say its his conservative mind that is working. He is a man who still thinks that with 100 ringgit you can buy a pair of jeans and couple of shirts! hehehe... that is why he never does his own shopping or esle he will end up empty handed at the end of it all.

The good old days - free of worries, parents providing the basic needs.
These days - stress, worries, working for the future which is uncertain. Thats our life huh!

Almost the End

As we all know the year is drawing to an end. As the newspapers start reminiscing on the year , we will be spread with pictures of the events that happened this year.

I guess in a way, this year has been a very significant year in most people lives. In some countries, some eventful things has happened - in Russia, in China, now the SEA area.

I guess in our lives too as we ponder back, this year has its major events. For mine yes. and it started with sadness and it also ended with sadness. And alot of sadness in between too.

Everyone is talking about the tsunami and why God let it happen. Its just like the september 11 case in the US. People will tend to blame God when thingslike this happen. I am one of the culprit too when things go wrong in my life. But I guess, if we think of it as this God is our Father, then He wouldn't let bad things happen to us. He has carved us at the palm of His hands and given us His son. God's has His reasons. Maybe its a lesson to mankind to be human and kind. But why all these poor countries are affected? Only God has the answer.

I want to start the new year with hope and wish that it will be a good year for me. I hoped that all the bad things are to happen has happened this year.

I leave you with this...


Friday, 31st December 2004 (Octave 7th Day: Jn 1:1,14-18)
Dear Friend in the Lord, God's Mystery: God is infinite. He has no beginning and no end. God created all human beings and the whole universe in His Wisdom and Love. This Truth is beyond our limited minds. Learn to interiorize this divine mystery in faith and to grow in gratitude and humility to God. Then live this as your 2005 resolution.

Fr Philip Heng, S.J.

Met with an accident

Sigh So sad. What a day!

Met an accident in the car park!!!!!! And the gall of the other person to scold me in 4 Letter word that starts with F. over and over again. I got so pissed off.. i told him its an accident and u should be using 4 letter word on me. Whatever the reason is, its not rite to do that. Anyways.. i was pissedd.. and i did defend myself.

My car is totally damaged in front but his car is still intact with just the side doors dented. And he was blooodee worried about his car. He kept saying that.. he just serviced his car.. he has to work this will create prblem for him. I was like what the heck! Like i don't have to work, like i care if he just serviced his car? Whats the relevance of it all to this accident.

Police report is the best.. claim insurance.. Irritating. Just bcoz he is male he thinks he can intimidate me... Wrong number babe....

anyways... time to think about buying a new care but it takes money and i promised myself i will not spend money.. liao.

Save for my - just incase i get into the mood to resign - days.. hahahaha.

I ended the year with a loud bang, boom and kaput!

Superficiality

Now that the Christmas carolling is over, i thought finally we wont' be hearing from superK for awhile. Hmm.. who is superK, you might ask? Well SuperK is the lead of the carolling thingy. Ringgit , remember i told you about her.

okie, as I was telling ringgit, SuperK treats us like kids. Don't fold the book, it looks awful in pictures. Make sure the girls put on lipstick since we are in the light. Sigh.. is that the reason why we are singing all these gigs and collecting the money? I thought it was for the HIV/AIDS victims in the home, the orphans in Pakistan, the poor nuns at the Little sisters of the poor? sigh... the purpose of this mission has been distorted.

I told ringgit that I am not going to confront her about how i felt about the whole thing. WHY? Firstly because I just went for confession, didn't want to taint my soul again. Secondly, I thought forgive and forget. Sigh, I thought that was the end of it.

But today, SuperK sent out an email stating that on 25th of Dec, during one of the gigs, some guy who was obviously totally pissed drunk.... put his arms around her. She got totally emotionally and paranoid about it. Coz it brought back memories about an incident that happened 2 years ago in the US while she was still ther studying in harvard doing her masters. Anyways.. .the point here is that she wrote this email balbalbablablabalba.. i am not going to get into details.. How she said that she gave the whole 500+ ringgit back to the event manager and told her to give the money to the charity directly. She felt that the event manager should have kept the place safe. .hmm.. whatever. Anyways... One gal from the carolling team wrote back and said its time to forgive and move on and the last line she made a statement about superficial faults....

So superK got pissed replied stating that what did that gal meant by Supeficial faults - obviously she didn't know SuperK... WAAA chia lat. anyways... the whole mission of doing charity for the good has turn out to be this. How sad!

Focus people Focus... the whole thing wasn't about you and me. It was and still is about them and HIM. Doing HIS work. Even if i look like a shit with or without lipstick or whatever.. as long as I am committed, came for the gigs... sang.. collected the money for the people... whats wrong with that?

Sigh..... Wrong number babe!

A sermon to ponder - Christmas Sermon

read this... http://jesuit.org.sg/html/advent.christmas/a.christmas.dawn.html

Fr. G asked, can you see Jesus in everyone that you meet?
And my answer would be, I wish I can.

The above link is not from Fr.G . Its a jesuit website that i subcribe to daily for readings to be sent to my mailbox. Its very good. But this one is special its about christmas and the meaning of it in your life.

Fr. G said on Christmas sermon, he knows that small gal from klang who is abused. she apparently has visited our church before and brought there by some people. Fr. G said, when the little gal sees him, she says - JESUS. fr. G said... that's how the little know him and has affiliated him with being Jesus. By the way, that little gal ain't a christian either. Gods work again? U Betacha.!

Mood Swings

Mood Swings - who hasn't experienced them before. Mind you from my obversation, i noticed that guys go thru mood swings too. So they shouldn't always be blaming women becoz of their PMS time that they have mood swings. At least we have a reason, but what the guys' reason?

Anyways, the weather over here where I am staying right now has been rather bleak for the last couple of days. The sky is almost constantly dark for the past 2 days. Thats how i feel inside me too.... dark and cloudy. Yeah - you're rite I am having the mood swing. Anyways, it also happens to be the time when my "best friend" is visiting. But I think this mood swing is more than the PMS thingy.

During this time of the year, some people would be penning down their new year's resolution. As for me, I have been guilty of that too in the past. I remember one time, I went to PD with a good friend of mine ( well we dont' talk that much no more as she seemed very bz with what she is doing and has forgotten all her friends) and we sat and wrote about our new year's resolution. It was around year 2000. I still have the piece of paper mind you :) Of course some of the things I have done and crossed out like my white river rafting - but it ain't rafting though, it was kayaking that I did.

I am not going to write any new year resolution this year. As I see it, its going to be mundane anyways. Almost every year since I was 21, I have a couple of the same things listed. It turns out every year!!! Its getting stale. Or another way of putting it, I am just giving up on it.

Recently, I have been dreading the new year to arrive. Why! you might ask? This is becoz a new year means getting a year older. I will turn a year older from yesterday in 4 months. Every year i dread it. But this year i dread it the most. Its 4 mths away and I am already thinking about it.

I have very few years left before I hit the 35. When that happens I guess, i have to rethink about my goals in life. 35 would mean tht chances of having my own family is going down the drain. I dare not even hope these days.

So I am having a bad day - yes. I am feeling very blue - YES.

Even though I welcome the new year for a different reason. I welcome it to mark the ending of the worse year of my life. Hoping that the year 2005 would be much better but yet I dread it due to the aging factor that it brings.

One hope for this year is that I will be able to move out of my comfort zone and let the Lord lead me where He wants me to go. Lord, I am willing to give a try. Lead me to where I will find peace and joy.

Christmas!

Today marks Christmas Day. Just like the ritual every year. I went for Mass and then afterwards, proceed home to open the pressies....

Today's Sermon was good. As usual Fr. Gerard is a very good speaker but alas, he will be leaving us soon to go back to the seminary to teach. That's actually his true role but for the last 4 years due to the low registration for priests he was actually posted out to do work. He was in our parish for 4 years now.

Today he told us that, this morning, he found a present in the crib which have they built on the altar. Every year there's a crib. But today at MASS, when he went there to bow to the Lord as per tradition at the beginning of the mass, he found something! That something was a bottle of milk. See in the crib, lay baby Jesus and Mother Mary and Joseph. Someone, Fr. doesn't know who that person is either, decided that Baby Jesus needed milk. Fr. G was saying that he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. but obviously this person's gestures comes from the heart. He then asked us, What are you giving Jesus on his birthday? If you don't know , you might want to consider this - going out of your comfort zone and go where the Lord wants to lead you.

He also asked us this, during the time when Jesus was born, there was no place for him at the Inn. Therefore he found shelter in the barn. Do you have a place for Jesus in your heart!!!!
I do have a place for Jesus in my heart. But whether i Feel him there everytime - is something questionable.

I love Fr.G sermon's it always touches you. His sermon always makes sense....

I am gonna miss his sermon as this will be the last Christmas he will spending with us.

Happy Birtheday JC.!

The Eve

For years, I used to go for the Mid Night Mass. Always being rushed to the Church at around 8 something eventhough mass only begins at 10pm. It always starts with a Play. Yeah a long one too. I never really appreciated it. And if you go thru it year after year it just becomes very mundane. Falling asleep during the mass is worse, probably the only time you're actually awake is during the peace exchange. hehehehe. You have to be awake....

Anyways, after my grandma who is already in her 80s came to stay with us and to top that up, there's the kids too? Well not really thats just an excuse hahahaa. Anyways.. since then, we will not go for the mid nite mass , but instead we attend the sunday morning mass. The difference? I think the difference is that its shorter and with you more awake, you get the message into your numb skull better..

For 2 years now, I have been carolling on Christmas EVE. Yeah sucks rite? But that's what call comittment. You made one and you have to keep to it. I actually promised myself that I won't sing this christmas eve. But somehow I got Sucked into. The sad part is , christmas eve is my late sister in law's birthday and tonite they have a stimboat to celebrate it eventhough she is no longer with us. Its kinda sad..... But i can't make it. Since i have alreayd made commitment to sing at royal selangor club and lake club. There is about only 10 of us singing - alot of them have FFK.

There's a history with the birth of my sister in law. My sis in law was born a non christian. I dont' like to use the word non believer. As I believe everyone has their own believes but it just may not be christianity. During her funeral the priest said. God has already planned Sarah's path. Sarah was brought to know a Christian family - which is my family. And later Sarah embraced christianity. God has brought her to a loving christian family and where she passed on in a good christian family too. And to see the link of both maybe it was God's will that she will pass on as a christian since she was born on Christmas eve. God's way is incredible and not something we can always understand. But the biggest frustration for me, eventhough I acknowledge this but its hard not to know....

Happy Birthday Sarah. May your Soul rest in peace....

Mulut Celupar

Okay, as I have mentioned before, I now have this male bonnie in my dept and that's not the worse thing, this bonnie sits in the same small room as myself and another guy. Okie this new company, they dont' know the concept of open office. Eveyone is placed in rooms - could be alone or with roommates. Due to renovation to build the open concept office floor by floor.... currently each room at least have 2 to 3 people.

Bonnie has a big mouth and sarcasm is his middle name. But the problem here is that he criticizes everyone but he can't take a criticism. As you know me, sometimes I can be quite sharp tongue. As I am not very patient also. So .... after taking all he has said for 2 weeks with patience , my patience was running out big time. So yesterday i told him, if you can give criticism you should be able to take it. Why i said that? Coz each time we say something to him, he will complain that we treat him bad , we are so sarcastic to him we are all the bad stuff.

But in actual fact usually it takes me longer to dislike a person but with him, its almost instantly. The problem here is he is also indian and as we all know, they are known for their mulut lah.... for whatever reasons...

Anyways... I pray that I will be moved soon or else i might end up being crazy. don't to him much also kena... talk also kena.. so how - you tell me!

Always wanna sibuk and act smart but his work he cannot finish.

GRRRRRRRRR

Christmas blues?

Hmm.. I don't think anyone can get christmas blues lah. But the flu bug is trying to get me. So far I am still able to withstand it. But for how long?

Been Sneezing and also my nose is pretty much stuffed up. What crap!!! and Christmas is just....5 days away...................... I have to sing on 24th!!!!!!! At 2 places, one at the hotel and another at lake club.. dang....

Worse scenario will be to fong fei kei. hehehehee.................

Letter to my dear JC

Dear JC,
Its almost Christmas time. Almost your birthday. Thank You being in my life all this time. I have known you since as long as I can remember. Its a long while now. JC, as you know our relationship has been like a roller coaster. Sometimes its like the hilly lands and sometimes green like the plains. Sometimes when the ride is rough, I get angry; I get frustrated. But if you notice JC, I always come back. Because, I have realized that without you and my faith, I am nothing.
My faith in catholism give me a rope to hold on during the times of trouble eventhough I feel like I am almost drowning. I think JC, You know that this year has been tremendously tough on me. Its still continuing.
JC, sometimes I wonder whether I will be able to endure all the pain like how you have endured and paid to give us salvation. JC, sometimes I dream about the life of utopia... doing something I love. Waking up each day and bursting with joy but on the other hand, I am living a totally opposite life. But in reality, can utopia exist in this earthly world, or utopia can only exist in heaven! Probably so.
JC, soemtimes I think about it. I don't do drugs, I don't drink. In comparison to alot of people I am a good person. But sometimes, I feel like such a bad person. Why can't I do more for the society, for the people... Why do I feel so unsatistified with myself. That's a sin in it all , isn't it. As Your Father made me in His image. And with all the imperfections that I have, I have read so many times that I am given gifts. I have said this many times that I am nothing , I have no talents, I have no gifts. That probably had hurt you and our mighty Father.
That is why in this sense I feel I am not a good person. But thats what being a christian is about rite, JC? Making mistakes, learning from it, and evaluating and then make the change for the better?
JC, thank You for being there during my trouble, during the times when I had hard time coping. Thank You for giving the visions that I have all this year. Thank YOu for all the things you have given me. No amount of thank you can describe how indepted I am to you. THank You for ending the sufferrings of Sarah. Thank You bringing her to be with you and by your side. THank You for giving me the vision of seeing her with you during her funeral day. Thank You for helping me withstand all the discriminations and alientions that I have gone thru all my life.
I want to hear you speak to me more JC. Sometimes in the stillness of the nites, I long to hear your message for me. I don't want to lose you in my life. I strive everyday to speak to you. Help me hear you JC. Help me hear what you have to say to me. Please be my mentor in this earthly life of mine.

Your loving follower,
M_G

Retro nite

Hmmm.. its almost 11.40pm and I just reached home from our Divison's Retro Nite. The theme was 70s. Well I hate to dress up but I wanted to go anyways. Was told its okay not to dress so I went.

It was surprise to see that everyone is so sporting. that included the managers who actually performed. Its also not surprising to see that majorti of a certain race participated in GIS Idol hahaha.

Anyways.. that takes away abit of stress from current situation. all I can say is that coming from a prestigous company and going into a new company is really stressful.... your profile is so high that people's expectation of you is high too.

Well........... i have one thing to say ringgit... i now have another sorta bonnie only this time its a guy and he thinks he can boss us around...

sigh...... I hate the corporate world.

Confession

Its that time of the year where its encouraged to go for confession as often as possible but some people like me wait till before christmas to do it :)

Waiting for your turn during confession is the real test of patience. Firstly, there will mega zillions of people just like me doing that one year off thingy... So stand in line patiently and praying hard that more priest will show up.

My confession waiting time today is one hour. and mind you!!! 1 hour standing in line huh.

then I was like trying to remember the Act of Contrition rite... i mean i only say it once a year!!!! DUH of course I forget. I wrote it down in a paper before I went. And after confessing and then the priest said.. say the act of contrition now.. i just blanked. and he stared at me.. and said again. Say the Act of Contrition :) then i just went thru it like the bullet train hahahhaa... but at least he didnt' stop me and say, you said it wrongly so I pretty much guess I did it rite :)

Lately I have been very tired. WHy? Dunno. I still duno what to expect of this new job but looks like its leaving behind the O technology and doing more on windows stuff.

I just hope whatever it is , it won't involve coding... my greatest nitemare...

Ciao.. eyes closing...
heart bleeding.....

Winter Wonderland

We are into the 3rd week of Advent already. Christmas is around the corner.
I have enjoyed the carolling practises we had and the gigs we performed. I have to say that this year's carolling ain't as good at the last year's but then again last year we had more people.

Like today's gig at Sheraton, we only had 7 people in total. I guess it takes commitment to be involved in things like this. I enjoyed the singing eventhough I do hope that my voice will still be there when Christmas appoaches. Its almost cracking already.

During this Christmasy time, I sometimes think about thos good old days when christmas time was white. I love the first snow. When it falls its just so beautiful, light and clean. I like to see the first snow not in the normal light but how it looks under the neon lights. And how it feels, so fluffy and light. I used to dine with this guy at the dining center. I forget how i got to know him. Probably thru mimi hmmm.. and mimi is one gal who flirts with all the guys be it white or whatever color. all i can remember is there are about 4 of us who used to dine together.

One late evening, while walking back from having dinner at the dining center, we saw the first snow and what more under the streets lights. As you know, the sky gets dark very early during winter time. I was going on and on about how beautiful the first snow look under the street lights. and how clean it is and fluffy and the beautiful formation of the snow flake. He just stared at me like I have gone nuts.

I mean Jason has lived all his life in the US. He is an American. So he is so used to these things that he hardly sees the beauty in it anymore. As for me, i cherish every experience and moment that I am there as I know thats its only temporary that i get to live in such a 4 seasoned place. I wish in my heart then and even now that I had the chance to live on there.

The first snow is beautiful but the slush which it turns into at the end or almost at the end of the winter is gross. And the end of winter is the worse coz when the ground is wet and summmer approaching those earth worms will start creeping out. and its every where. And its not the short ones that we see here.. its long and i mean long.... At nite when you walk back to the dorms, you can't see em.. and you step on them.. GROSSSSSSSSSS.... and as you know, everywhere in the dorm is carpetted. So you walk in and step on the carpets with this stuff stuck to the bottom of your shoes. :)

You know, I get melancholy when I think about the past and esp during Christmas time. Think about the 3 White Christmases I spent in the states. Then I remembered, my ex company's MD used to say. People who live in the past will not progress into the future. :(

But whatever it is, I miss the times of the winter wonderland. The times where I layed on the snow and made snow angels and the snow man...... Thos were the beautiful times in my life.

I never did have many friends. I think its my nature that I am very cautious with getting close to people. but anyhow, some good people still find their way to me and we cross path and met. The beauty of fate.

What I wish for Christmas would be to find that man in my life and have a loving family. Whether that will be realized or not is a different matter. But at least i have a wish

Counting down to Christmas....

The Age Factor

I have to admit that this topic has been running in my mind for awhile now. At the time before i hit 30 it was constantly on my mind. Then when I hit 30 - it wasn't that bad.
Just recently it got me thinking again. How did this come about?

Well, I went for carolling at the mall yesterday like infront of public audience , infront of ppl we dont' know :) Anyways.... 3 of us were in the car and were talking and apparently all 3 of us changed jobs this year. One of us was in HR. So she mentioned that should move before we hit 35. Coz once we hit 35 no one would wanna hire us anymore. How sad....

I mean why do people need to look at age as a factor? Isn't that unfair? What if I am 35 but and a hardworker and also a good employee - wouldn't that count for something. How come our asian culture doesn't give a person in their 30s to change their job function or change of career.

I have read in the newspapers , overseas where poeple change their jobs at age of 40 to different areas of their career. Some even to a totally new field.

I got me thinking. What if i hit 35 and decides that IT is not for me no more. Would it mean that I still have to stick to it and suffer with it till i retire? What a horrid thought.

This world....

the mind

i started a new job - my 3rd new one this year. Its been about 3 days now. Often when i get back from work, I switch on the pc and then i logon to blogger but some or rather I don't feel like writing so I log off again.

I can't begin to explain how i feel inside. I believe my problem with myself is so deeply rooted that I don't know what it is anymore.

Something really terrible about me. My Mind - is constantly analyzing , thinking and on top of all worrying. Every little bit of things - I will ponder and analyze and think. That part of it has brought many many problems in my life.

But I can't switch it off. Constantly, even during sleep, my mind if ticking. Maybe that is why I can't have a good sleep.

Maybe thats the reason why I am so tired. I am mentally drained.

I think alot I have to admit. I have to find a reason for everything. But maybe life is like that, you can't find a reason for everything.

I remember once in my philosophy class, I was asked by the professor. You're a christian. why do you believe in God. How do you know there's God. I said.. for me, its like the air you breath, you can't see it yet you know its there. That's how it is for me. Maybe that's faith....

This Advent season, I have been praying to have this part of me sacrificed to God. I need to be able to leave my fears and worries to Him. Its tough.

SIgh... i don't know what to do.....

my mind - the ultimate confusion in my life.

Tired...

I am tired.... Tired tired tired.
of what?
of every damn thing in my life. Both physically and mentally tired.

wish I can be carefree.

Meaning of christmas

Recently, there's this radio station which i listend to - they have this competition to win some tics to watch The Polar Express and also at the end the grand prize is an IBM thinkpad. After you choose btwn door 1 or 2, if you get the door which has Santa in it, you win the tics for 4 to watch the movie and also a chance at the win the ThinkPad but you need to tell in ONE WORD, what christmas means.

Last sunday marked the beginning of the new church calendar year. Its also marks Advent. The time we wait. The time we clear ourselves and mind of things that's holding us to this world. The time we ponder on what being a christian means. How have I been as a christian. What things of this world which are holding me and I need to let go.

When i first heard that radio station and their question. I was thinking. Alot of people would say joy, peace, blablaba. I realized that HOPE would be a better reason for christmas. WHY? coz hope would bring happiness to the poor - hope for a better christmas, hope to put food on the table. Hope for people in countries of war - that during this christmas time at least the war would cease even if its just for a minute. hope to know there is still a glimmer of light for humanitity after all humans has done - Destroying the beautiful earth God has given us. Destroying life when God has given us life. Trying to take over the role of God by doing human cloning.

Hope - I like it. It brings people's spirits high.
I know what I must give during this advent season. I need to ask God's grace in an area in life that I can't seem to let go.

Self interest

I am very disappointed yesterday after i handed in my resignation. I can't comprehend how some people can live with themselves.

I guess the meaning of respect has been miscontrue. People in high position always think that respect comes with position. But to me thats such an ancient thought. For me, no matter how high you are, you should think that respect comes with that. Respect comes with how you treat another person.

Belfong, i know that this is your favourite word.

Let me share with you. I have always been a person who abided rules even in primary and secondary school. Being a prefect in school for all those years - you're always looked at sometimes with respect , sometimes with hate. I guess that's with any position. You can't get the favours from everyone. I remember at one time, when I was about to be nominated as the Head of Prefects. I didn't want it. And there was another girl in school, who is pretty much a loud mouth and as a prefect she doesn't gain much favours. But anyways, she was nominated. I guess i have a group of prefects who still felt that I should be the head girl. So in a way, that girl felt it and one day she approached me and said this and that. I said, I have nothing to do with it. as you know I never wanted the position. I am contented being just a normal prefect. Anyways, she went around spreading things about me and some other people. Then she came to me and said that why did i say this and that i don't respect her. I told her this and I still remember very clearly what I said. I told her " You don't get respect just like that becoz you're a the head prefect, You EARN that respect" So actually what I was trying to tell her is that her behaviour does not reflect the behaviour of a head girl.

Funnily that same sentiment was playing in my head yesterday. I am still pretty upset about what happened yesterday. Yesterday I put in my resignation. As per stated in the offer letter, it only needed 24 hour notice. So I went to work and then gave my boss the letter in the morning. I explained to him that I have decided to move back to MNC environment. Then he didn't even bother to open the letter or take it. It was just left at the position at where it was placed by me. Then he said, since you have decided i dont' think I can change your mind therefore all the best.

Then 10 minutes later, the secretary came running to everyone who is officer and high rank and said there is to be a meeting at 9.10am. So I went to see HR and handed in my letter to the lady. She asked me how did your boss take it. I said , he didn't even bother to look at the letter nor open it. She was shocked.

But the shocking one is yet to come. AT the meeting after discussing other things, obviously he brought up the fact that I had resigned and with 24 hour notice. Then he said this "Mystic, this is the advice I have for you. You should always respect the person who has hired you and the org that has hired you. Eventhough its within your rights to resign with 24 hours but you should think that you should give us enough notice to find a replacement and to have a proper handover. If you thnk that since you're leaving anyway, you dont' care then you're heartless"
I was shocked with this. As when i handed him the letter he didn't bother to say anything. This was his revenge I guess. Then he added on saying he is a professiona,, work is work personal is personal. to me that's bullshit... As this just show that he took it personally. I said " Mr.T, I am not that sort of a person, I will hand over everything to SP before I leave and you know that" He just refused to acknowledge that and carry one talking. He added, I don't know what you're thinking or whats in your head but if you were to come in earlier and talk to me we could have worked something out.

I can tell you this, It was at the tip of my tongue to say this. HE DIDNTRESPECT EITHER. He thinks that respect some only in one form which is with THE position he HOLDS. Which is so wrong. I too am to be respected as an employee and as a human being. You could have very well told me when i saw you one to one but with vengence you toldthat infront of 20 other people. In his case he is just selfish. With his only interest to get his work done.

If in the event that the situation was the opposite and the policy states that only 24 hours notice is required to be given to each party, he would have done the same thing. With no compassion what so ever.

To me respect doesn't come wtih the position. You may get certain advantage with the position but respect doesn't come automatically. Respect comes when you treat another human being with dignity and courtesy. Thats what respect is.

In this work place I have seen an executive shouting at another clerk level person who reports to her. But why does she need to speak to the other person that way. Doesn' that person deserve the right to be spoken to properly. The clerk has feelings , emotions, she is HUMAN. I never believe in that.

I am sad that in such a short period of time, I have seen so much injustice in this place and it will not change. Coz we have people like MR.T that thinks RESPECT comes with position.

To me, You maybe the lowest ranked person on the whole universe. But if you have dignity and work with compassion and courtesy - you have my respect. I never shun a tea lady out becoz she works in the pantry. I talk to them, I joke with them. I know the parking attendant that works at my previous company. He tells me when there is a traffic jam or when its raining heavily to becareful. You see, if you treat people with diginity, you get respect automatically.

The world will not be a better place if people think that respect will get you places.
Sepandai2 tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga.

Just another Friday

It was about 7.05am. I left home and went to fill up the gas tank for my car. After doing all that I headed to work. While driving suddenly, I saw this M gal standing right infront of my car and refuse to move. So I had to stop there for awhile. Then I decided to reverse my car and move to the next lane. While i was reversing and turning to the next lane she rushed over to my car trying to stand infront again. But the car was faster and I just drove on. It scary and the weirdest I have ever encountered so far in my life.

What more her mouth was moving the whole time when she stood infront of me. Mumbling what I dont' know. Scary if you ask me. Well maybe that jinked the whole resignation thingy.

Ugly Malaysians...

Ugly Malaysians.... I first heard that term was during my secondary school days in my english class. Our english teacher brought us and article for us to discuss. It talks about all the ugly habits malaysian can have. And mind you its all true and you will feel "how can malaysians have such behaviors" well now its worse.

This morning i saw another article with the term ugly malaysians.

Well, I wouldn't say I am perfect but i sure cannot stand some of the behaviors of these ugly malaysians. Eg would be, if you travel in a plane, these ppl would ask for blanket and then when no one is looking , they slip that blanket into their bag, or the fork and spoon after they eat.. blabalba. You get the gist.

You know this is another habit i can't stand. We had training for 3 days, internal training but conducted by external consultant. So we have 2 breaks and 1 lunch break - all provided. Lunch is provided at the cafetaria and catered by the company's caterer and so is tea.

What I saw is really bad behavior. This even started on the first day itself. From my dept there are about 6 partipants. And this training is initiated by our dept but we have other depts attending as per our invitation. Gosh.. on the first day, during tea, while we were still standing at the area wehre they had food. I saw these two from my dept, one is bonnie mind you and another is a lady about 36 years old, they are packing the stuff into another plate to be taken to the others in the dept. Gosh what bad habit. and i purposely said, wow.. cleaned up the plate huh. Their faces changed but that didn't stop them.

If you thought that was bad, yesterday during lunch I witness something which is worse. As mentioned earlier, each is given a lunch coupon. So this same 36 year old woman, came to the cafetaria at the special section where we had the catered food and bringing her boss in too. Only with one coupon. The boss went to sit at the table, while she went to stack her plate to the brim and brought another extra plate to transfer the food for her boss. GOSH .... i can't believe it...

can you imagine... this is just half of what all the ugly habits that malaysians have.

Malaysians need to have a change of attitude....
or is this a universal asian culture. Its sad if it is...

A Nobody

A nobody... have you had the come across your mind before? Well I have many many times.
Just recently i watched the cartoon - Shark Tale. There's this character in the cartoon movie that says, he is a nobody. He wanted to be a somebody. When i heard that, it just strike a chord.

I have wandered in this world feeling like a nobody. a NOBODY.
But then later the character realized, he had something when he was a nobody. But when he became somebody, he lost that something which he never realized he had when he was a nobody.

So being a nobody ain't that bad either huh. It's just the bloodee's worlds view that you need to be a somebody.

My bonnie lies.....

okie, upon a friend's request, I am writing more about bonnie. For the benefit of others who doesn't want what bonnie means - well it just defines people who give u a hardtime at work.

Well bonnie has been in this work place for about a year plus now. Whats bonnie's problem. Well she just gets on to people's nerves. What way you may ask. Well in a mega mega way.

So, I have been only working here for the past 3.5 months. I still remember very clearly, the first few weeks at work. Basically she has an attitude problem. The way i see it, she thinks she is so smart and everyone is below her. Can't wait till the day she falls flat on her face.

I remember her insurbordination one day. And i was very pissed off after that incident. I called her into the room with another unit head which was involved in the situation too. Wow.. she raised her voiced during the session and trying to show she knows alot. I told her properly and said alot of things to her and she was pissed and the next day to just piss me off she took MC. Everyone knew that it was a fake MC. But what the heck. I am not bothered.

Bonnie i would say is technically inclined. But mind you, she only works with MSSQL and writes SQL statement. She thinks she is intelligent but i think there is another guy who is the same age and graduated the same time as her who is better. Only problem is, bonnie is very bold and she would just say things out right. The guy becoz of his poor communications skills, he shy off abit when it comes to expressing himself. So bonnie, is not that great in communications either but she thinks damn highly of herself. I dont' think bonnie will go far in life with her attitude like that. She doesn't RESPECT a single soul. She lies and i caught her a few times. But just like me i will say it and put it subtlely that she has no choice but to follow what i say :P

Alrighty , bonnie will be history in my life soon.. yahooooooooooo

Culture

What is Culture. If I were to follow the definition given to me when I took sociology class at Uni, it would meant that a certain behavior and way of living of a community of people.

If you were to read the book , Tuesdays with Morrie, you will come across a section where he talks about culture. How morrie always tells the author, not to conform to culture. Dont' give in to culture. The culture that tells you, buy this and you will be better, use this and you'll be better. Interesting aint it?

Well, in sociology term , we will call these people deviant..... That got me thinking, in a way its good not to just follow a culture or a way of living. But going against it , isn't going to be easy. It will darn tiring if you ask me.

Like me, I don't gossip at work much. My moto is do work and then cut the crap and bullshit and finish and then be done with it. Some people get offended. like this to create this culture.. or rather the M culture where they just gossip, lepak wait for time to pass then pulang rumah. But after awhile hor.. you also get tired.

I dont' know, being deviant can be good but tiring. But then again, it takes guts to be a deviant to a certain culture.

I think alot, maybe thats why I like courses like Psychology, sociology, philosophy, organization behavior.. hmmm... maybe i should go into research :P

Hope...

I read the Word among US - a daily meditation book. Its a Book that has the bible readings and then a write up regarding the readings for the day. It also has nice miracle and inspirational stories. It makes me feel good to read them. Of course sometimes, the message can be quite harsh too.

Today in the reflection area, there was this sentence " Hope is faith directed to the future. Its faith acting on and trusting in the promises God has made. "

Its good to have hope. But isn't it the word of this world that being too hopeful sometimes just brings more disappointments? I dont' know but I sure want to have hope.

I am already fighting with having faith. So is hope easier to embrace?

I am struggling to leave everything at His feet and just have peace in me. Yesterday, I was so worried. I am to move out this Sat and then so many things crop up. The lorry is too small lah, the lorry is senget lah. Now have to source for another lorry. At this festive period, where can get one so easily. I pray. I want to lift it up to Him. But at the moment I will say it but in a matter of few couple of minutes later, the negative thoughts floods back. So how ...?

Local Artist

Okay, I have to admit that I have never thought very highly of local artist. Be it Singers or actors, etc. I mean if you really looked at the type of films they actually produced... can faint. Well, I have to admit long long ago, when there was this man called P. Ramlee. It was different then. His shows were funny and heart warming. Those are what I called true film. These days it just sucks. I mean there are a few in btwn that deserve applause. But they hardly come by.

Recently, I came across this article about this song writer named Juwita Suwito. My first instinct was aiyah, she probably only writes thos M songs you know. But then I read in the Herald about her first album and its in ENGLISH!!. So i decided to go to the music store to get one. Oh Boy! Little did I know that finding her alblum was really a trying experience. I went to so many music shops but they didn't carry her album. I finally found the album. WOW - what can I say... Her voice is beautiful. And For a local artist.. she is good...

So maybe I should be making judgments too much about these local artist. Maybe just maybe they actually do have strong talent within them.. :) I have to stop being so critical aye?

Tuesdays with Morrie

Tuesdays With Morrie.....


I started reading this book called Tuesdays for Morrie yesterday. Its by this Author named Mitch Albom. How did i first come to know about this book. Well I was at this book rental place and I saw this brand new book on the shelf, The 5 people i meet in heaven - and intrigued by the title, I borrowed the book and read it. Pretty Good, certain paragraphs I don't quite get it. But overall its interesting look on what heaven is like according to the interpretation of the author. Then I was looking forward to reading this first book called Tuesdays with Morrie. Well I wasn't sure if it was good and was trying to see wheter i could actually borrow it. But the book was constantly out. hmmm.. Then on sunday my sister managed to borrow a copy.


I started reading yesterday but I am almost half way through the book. As usual, like my brother used to say, I am a fast reader and its a waste of money buying books in my case. :) But then, I think this book is really really good. I would need to re-read again to let it really register. It touches my core. It home in alot of aspects.

Some of of fears in life is addressed. As some of the people who knows me might alread know. Its been a couple of years now that I try to figure about what my life is about. My purpose. Is money that important. My Fear of Aging. Growing old. There was time when I was around 28 and I dreaded hitting 30... its like a mandatory death sentence for me. But now I am over that threshold, things seems to be still the same. Just that my biological clock is ticking. Of course I also have this attacks of fears - I don't deny it. But has happen more often now than before.

I wish I had a teacher like Morrie. To talk to me, to push me in the right direction. To help me discover my passion,my talent, my gift in order to walk with earth with more ease and pleasure.

Being my 30s now, I am still afraid of what tomorrow might bring. What if do not have enough money. What if at that time, i have no family to take care of me. All these fears!!!! I need a teacher...an interactive one.

I think religion and God is able to give that direction. But at times I crave to have the interactive session where I can ask and will get an instantaneous answer. Asking for too much.... hmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Looking back....

Looking Back…

Its almost the end of the year now, 2 months before the year officially ends. Looking back, this year has been such a traumatic year for me yet.

I have deemed my life as not meaningful. I have always felt that I haven’t achieved much in life. And often wondered where is my place here on this planet called earth.

I was trying to think back to all the events that happened to me this year and to my surprise this has been the most eventful year of my life. Both with experience that I would never forget and also sadness which I wished I never had to go through. But such is life; bitter sweet. Some say bitter sweet is good, it gives a way to know both what bitter and sweet is like so we can appreciate each more.

Let’s start with Jan. This month still plays clearly in my mind. Almost haunting. This was the month that I saw two of my colleagues receive the letter and their redundancy package. And I received the letter of transfer to another department. All the trauma and the fear still stick to my mind – as though it just happened yesterday. I wish I didn’t have to go through that. But it was the time, that I was forced to move from being complacent to change. Its tough. I still hate my ex SD for doing this to us.

That was the beginning of the most shitful year for me. Things just couldn’t settle. Even though when I was at good old O, I was constantly complaining but when I forced to leave, I felt a sense of lost. Not only in terms of the feelings I have in my heart but I felt like I had no direction and no purpose. Silly you might say. But I just couldn’t adapt. Its true they say, its better the devil you know.

This was the year, that I moved job the most times than I can remember. Sigh… I can’t believe it, makes me wonder now, what am I looking for.

This is also the year that I lost a family member. The wound is still so raw that even by just thinking about her , bring tears to my eyes. It brings back all the guilt, the feelings of all the things that I could have done better for her but in which I didn’t. I wish I had been kinder. Maybe this to serve as a lesson learnt. We have to vigilant, as do not know when the time will come.

This year too, I have had visions like I never had before. I don’t even trust myself to believe it sometimes. But I believe I couldn’t have imagined all these things. Starting with the vision of Mother Mary placing the sign of cross on my forehead at the hotel in Penang and then more during Sarah’s funeral.

This year too, I found that I have never been so broken. I found and acknowledge that I am no one if I do not get HIS help. The year , which I finally questioned myself more and more. Learning to trust HIM more. Its hard. I am still learning each day to let go and I pray that with HIS Grace and Mercy I will be able to eventually.

This is also the year, I felt I lost myself most, drifting in this sea… alone. Helpless. Asking for help…. Confiding more in people more than I ever did before.

This is the year, I know I won’t forget…. This is the year that I hope will be turning in my life and the journey to an eventual change for something better……

Dear Year 2004, the year that brought me change, forced me to move, forced me to seek, brought me sadness and realization. I thank You for a eventful year….